


Trapped and Vulnerable

by khorybannefin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25080277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khorybannefin/pseuds/khorybannefin
Summary: After an incident with Dean the plus-sized reader goes into a spiral
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Trapped and Vulnerable

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry about the warnings in the tags. I was in a place when i wrote it.

Trapped and Vulnerable  
Pairing: Dean x reader

Author: khorybannefin

Word Count: 2979

Warnings: Chubby reader, no smut yet

TRIGGER WARNING! This is a trigger fic. Contains depression, self harm, talk of suicide.

A/N: I don’t write these often but I felt the need to get some things off my chest. This was intended to be a one shot with a semi-happy ending but it didn’t work out that way. I’m sorry if you came here for smut and didn’t find it. I can almost guarantee my next one will be back to the same dirty subject matter as usual. If you’d like to see this story continue to the happy ending let me know in the comments or through messaging and I’ll see what I can do.

You and Dean were friends. One might even say best friends. There was always high tension between you though. You liked each other, but somehow never did anything about it. You flirted shamelessly, even touched on occassion, but it never went further than that. The reason being that, for all the flirting, there was no way Dean was actually into you. You were fat. There was no way to hide that, even though you wore layers of baggy clothes in an effort to disguise just how fat you actually were. You’d seen the women Dean picked up and none of them looked like you. As much as it hurt to like him so much and know it was impossible to go all the way, you kept him as close as you dared.

Today you’d gottern out of the shower and put on just a tee and boy shorts, planning on taking it easy in your room since you hadn’t had a hunt for a few days. Dean passed by your room and doubled back when he saw you. Leaning in the doorway he smiled at you.

“Well hello gorgeous,” he drawled. You rolled your eyes at him in the mirror as you were brushing out your hair.

“Hey Dean,” you replied, the quick denial dying on your lips before you could say it. You knew he was just being nice. Still, it would be awesome if he actually meant it. You looked at him in the mirror, taking in the long legs and well muscled physique. He really was a specimen of a man, and you felt yourself flush as he caught you looking.

“Oh, she likes what she sees,” he said smoothly. He stepped into the room and up so close behind you that you could feel his heat. Sliding his hands around you he squeezed the soft part of your belly. You felt his fingers sink in and immediately your face was aflame. Only this time it wasn’t attraction but miserable shame that immediately ate through everything else you might be feeling. You pulled away from him quickly, backing towards the bed.

“Oh my god Dean don’t. I’m disgusting and you know it. It’s no fair making fun of me.” Dean looked at you with surprise and concern, seeing you were upset and not understanding why until that word came out of your mouth.

“How can you even say that about yourself?” Dean asked. “I’ve had a thing for you forever. I’m sure you’ve picked up on it.” He rolled his own eyes and tried to approach you again. You took another two steps back and sat on the bed. Your eyes were starting to tear up. Why was he doing this to you?

“You don’t mean it. You can’t. I’m not your type. I know that. And it’s fun to flirt with you but please don’t pretend that it’s anything else than a game.”

“What do I have to do to prove to you that I want you? Draw you a map? You wanna feel the hardon I get every time I see you like this?”

“You’re a guy,” you snapped, the embarraassment making you frustrated and short tempered. “Guys can get it up for anything.”

The minute it was out of your mouth you knew it was the wrong thing to say. Dean had frozen, his mouth open in shock. It sank in, the implication of what you’d said, and you opened your mouth to apologize but it was too late. Deans face closed off and when he spoke again his voice had gone cold with anger.

“Wow. Thanks for making me into a creep. No I get it. You know what Y/N? One of these days you’re going to realize just how wrong you are and you’re going to regret all the time we didn’t spend together. I guess today just isn’t that day.” He stalked out, closing the door firmly in his wake. You immediately burst into hysterical sobbing. You curled up on the bed and cried yourself to sleep.

The next day you didn’t leave your room. Sam only noticed it at the end of the day, but figured you were just relaxing. Dean noticed right away, and wanted to apologize for what he’d said, but his pride wouldn’t allow it. He was right about what he’d said. Maybe you just needed to think about it. The second day came and when Sam tried to bring food to you you didn’t even answer the door. He left the plate outside and was concerned when he came by later and it was still there. On the third day Dean and Sam both showed up at the door.

“Come on Y/N,” Sam called. “Let us in. Somethings wrong.” No answer, You just wanted to be left alone. Couldn’t they see that?

“Y/N?” Dean spoke softly. “I’m sorry for what I said. Please come out. You need to eat.”

“Go away,” you said softly, but loud enough to be heard. Your voice was choked with more tears. Dean heard it and got angry, knowing it was him who’d done this to you and not willing to put up with it.

“Y/N! You open this door or I will kick it in, I swear to Chuck!”

“You wouldn’t dare.” You called. “Now leave me alone!” The last part was a shrill scream.

Dean looked over at Sam who nodded. They’d fix the door later. Dean counted to three and both boys bucked, their combined weight blowing the door completely off its hinges. You startled at the noise, but didn’t even turn to look. Tears streamed silently down your face. You knew what they were seeing and you couldn’t do anything about it except wallow in your shame.

Dean and Sam entered the room to find it completely undisturbed except for the bed. The sheets and blankets were tied in knots and thrown in a ball on the floor. You lay in the same outfit you’d had on three days ago, only now the clothes and the sheets were covered in blood. Your arms and legs were covered in cuts, some of them quite large and still bleeding. Dean gasped and Sam looked shocked. They’d never exprected to find you in this condition. Sure Dean had seen some of the previous scarring. He’d assumed they’d been the result of a bad hunt that you never spoken of. He knew now what it was from, he’d just never experienced it. He rushed over and knelt by the bed.

“God Y/N! Look at you! How could you do this to yourself?”

“Because I hate me!” You sobbed. “Fat stupid me. And now you hate me too!”

“Oh honey,” he whispered, brushing the hair back from your forehead so he could lay a kiss there. “I could never hate you. Come on. Let’s get you in the shower.”

He went to pull you up but you jerked away, turning your back on them both.

“Just go away. I don’t need your fake sympathy. You already told me how you really feel.”

“Damn it Y/N I was angry! I shouldn’t have said what I did, no matter how true it was. Now get up. You’re taking a shower whether you want one or not.”

You ignored him, letting waves of self-loathing wash over you. He couldn’t possibly care about you now. When he scooped you up out of the bed you shrieked, partially in pain but mostly in protest. You kicked and screamed at him, calling him names. The activity broke open some of the bigger cuts and by the time Dean got you to the showers he had blood all over him. He didn’t stop to undress you, Just held you both under the spray until you were both soaked. He didn’t want to use soap either, knowing it would burn. He’d have to trust that the hot water would be enough for now.

Somewhere in the course of the abrupt shower you’d gone quiet. There was no point in fighting him. You’d let him do whatever. It didn’t matter. He led you by the hand to Sam, who’d already set up the supplies they needed to take care of the wounds. Some of the cuts were quite large. They’d have to be stitched. Dean did it as carefully and gently as he could. You just sat there and wept, the new pain not even making a dent against the weight of the darkness in your heart. By the time he was done and you were bandaged you looked like half a mummy and your clothes were still wet.

Dean led you into his room. Without a word he stripped you and put on of his t-shirts on you. He made no comment about the state of you, didn’t try to make passes at seeing you nude. He just tucked you into his bed and went to stand outside the door. Sam and Dean talked in low tones. You heard everything, but it didn’t even percolate into your brain. You were miserable and exhausted. You lapsed into sleep before they’d even finished their discussion.

“Sam, we have to get her some help. I don’t know what she needs, but I know it ain’t us.”

“Dean anywhere we take her is going to look at those injuries and lock her in a psych ward, medicate her into oblivion. We might never see her again.”

“But if that’s what she needs to get better then maybe she’d be better off. We’re certainly not helping her enough here if one sentence from me can knock her down like this. I don’t want to send her away Sam, but what else can we do?”

“Well,” Sam replied, his brain obviously working. “For starters we need to create a safe space for her. She hides in her room and that’s fine, but we need to make sure she’s got nothing in there that can hurt her.”

“You mean toss her room and take out everything she can hurt herself with? She’s not a child Sam. If she wants to hurt herself then sanitizing her room won’t stop her.”

“But it’s a start,” the younger brother responded. “What else do you suggest we do?”

“All right fine. But you do it. I’m going to stay with her.”

“Good idea.”

Sam left to go ransack his friends room for weapons and Dean went and sat by the bedside, watching as you slept. He couldn’t believe he had hurt you so badly that you’d mutilated yourself. He deserved every name you’d called him and worse. He reached over and held your hand. He bent his head over it and started whispering his apologies to you. By the time you woke he was asleep in the chair, your hand still in his. He snapped awake as soon as you moved.

“Y/N? Are you ok?”

“I hurt,” was all you said. Dean nodded and fed you some pain pills and water.

“You need to eat with those. Would you like a sandwich? Come on. Anything you want.”

You shrugged. Dean wasn’t about to leave you alone. He got you up and moved into the kitchen. He set about making you a sandwich. Nothing huge like he usually did for himself, but something he thought you might eat, with a little meat and lots of cheese and veg like you liked it. He set it before you and you stared at it for a moment before picking up one of the halves and nibbling it. Dean sat across from you and watched as you pulled the sandwich open and ate the cheese out of it.

“Y/N?” He prodded gently. “Do you want to talk?” You shook your head. Dean sighed. “Ok, then can you listen?” You shrugged. Dean took that for permission.

“Y/N I’m sorry about what I said. I was hurt that you’d think me so shallow as to only want you because you were female. I know you can’t see how attractive you are, but I see it. Sam sees it, though not the same way. You don’t believe it, but I care about you, and I want to have a relationship with you. You’re my friend, but I’ve felt more for you and I want more. Please, don’t do this to yourself because of me. I promise I will make it my mission to make sure you know that you are beautiful and precious to me every single day.”

You’d stopped eating halfway through this speech and were just looking at him as he finished. There was silence in the room. His eyes were pleading with you to accept what he’d said. You lowered your head and shook it. Quietly you responded.

“This isn’t because of you Dean. This is just me. I’ve always been like this. You can’t fix me.”

“No but I can’t watch you do this either. Just tell me what to do to make this better!”

“If you can’t watch it then don’t.” You sighed and picked at your sandwich. “Nothing makes it better. There’s just less and more. Today is a more day. Tomorrow might be less, but it never goes away. Dean, do you know what bipolar disorder is?” Dean nodded, but in a way that made her wonder if he actually did.

“Most people have heard of it but don’t know what it really is. Suffice it to say there’s two kinds, manic primary and depression primary. I’m the second kind. I am depressed to one degree or another most of the time. Sometimes it goes from just being low energy to being full on suicidal. The chemicals in my brain don’t work right and it’s just the way it is. I can regulate it with the right meds, but it takes forever to figure out the right cocktail and then I have to take them everyday without fail or the crash is extreme. I stopped taking my meds ages ago, when I became a Hunter. There was just no way to keep up with them on the road. So I just deal with it. Sometimes the depresion gets so bad that I cut in order to feel something, anything. Scientifically it releases a rush of endorphins to combat the pain and it makes things better for a little bit. Sometimes I do it out of apathy. Sometimes it’s to punish myself. Either way, it’s how I deal with extremes of emotion. I can’t fix that, and niether can you. It’s not up to you or Sam to try either. I’m an adult. You can’t just babysit me all the time.”

“But how am I supposed to leave you alone now that I know this is what you do when i’m not around?”

“You’re not responsible for me Dean. I’ll handle this. I always have before. It just might take me some time this go around. Could I have more cheese?”

Dean got up and brought the package of cheese to the table. He sat again and looked at you. You were pale with dark circles under your eyes but he still thought you were beautiful. He didn’t understand how you could look in the mirror and not see yourself the way he sees you. But you couldn’t and he just had to accept it.

“Sam is sterilizing your room. He’s taking all the weapons out of it. We’ll lock them up unless we’re on a hunt. That way you won’t have easy access.”

You knew they meant well but you knew that was only going to stop you for so long. You had stuff hidden everywhere and they couldn’t be to hand every second. At least she hoped they wouldn’t try that. A girl needed her privacy every once in awhile. Hard on the heels of that thought came the realization that Dean had said he wantd a relationship with you. You couldn’t believe that looking at you, like this, and knowing what he now knew, that he could still say that.

“You don’t have to worry about me Dean. I always pull out of these spirals. Eventually.”

Dean didn’t know what to say to that so he just sat as you ate the entire package of cheese and most of the veggies off your sandwich, leaving the meat and bread. You always had been more fond of Sam’s eating habits than his. Sam came in the room a little while later. He nodded at Dean, confirming that it was done. You caught the look and sighed. You wondered what Sam had found but refused to ask. You’d check later. Right now all you wanted was more sleep. You said as much. Dean nodded and stood to escort you back to your room. You didn’t even fight him on it.

When you entered you found that your room was clean and all your bedding had been changed. You climbed in under fresh sheets and sighed. Dean said he’d be right outside and you let him, knowing it was no good arguing. At least they cared enough to watch over you.

And tomorrow would be another day.


End file.
